One of the things I love best about myself is the idea-generator in my head. I’m taking a walk or doing chores, and something just comes to me: the thread of a children’s story; the idea for a self-improvement book; a way I can write in the theme of an upcoming writing contest. The other night I woke up at 2:00 in the morning from a very frightening dream, then hurried to write it down as a short story idea. When I get these ideas, I feel very excited and full of potential. I can see myself nourishing the idea, then writing and producing great work to be published by myself or others. In moments of fantasy, I can envision it as my “breakthrough piece.” I immediately want to carve out time to devote to the new project, to see it through to the end.

But, more often than not, the idea just goes into a file on my computer or a note on my phone, and that is the end. I may look at it some time later and think, “that was a great idea,” but because I didn’t follow up with it right away, the passion and excitement has waned. It’s much harder to pick up an idea some time after it’s been thought of. (There are some exceptions. The truly great ideas never stop inciting action.)

It makes me sad to think about this process. It’s like I have a machine that produces something beautiful that needs nurturing and care- say, kittens, or tropical flowers. But because I don’t have the time to care for them, the kittens or flowers get abandoned, never to grow to their full potential. That’s how I feel about my abandoned ideas.

Time and time again, I put a new idea on my schedule. I try to make time for it, I add it to my to-do list. I think, “Even if I only get ten minutes a day to work on it, that’s enough for now.” And in rare cases, it works out. But my life is very full. I have a full-time job, another job teaching private lessons after school, a toddler and husband and household to care for, and my own health and well-being to maintain. The time I dedicate to writing is sacred, but it’s also not enough. It’s not enough time to work on the novel re-write I’ve been toiling over for months, and maintain regular posts on this blog. (I usually write blog posts in spurts on weekends or my one free weeknight.) It’s definitely not enough time to add in new projects, however exciting they may be.

So when those new ideas pop into my head, I have to say no to myself. I have to say, “Not now.” I have to remind myself that I’m not a full-time writer, though I’d like to be (and though, as a teacher, I do still have summertime to devote to writing). I have to remind myself that my life is balanced, and even if there’s never quite enough time for everything I love and want to do, I still have some time for all of it, and that’s a blessing.

But oh, how I hate saying no to a good idea. And how I hate asking myself for permission and having to deny it. (I’m a good boss to myself, but I’m also really strict.) All I can hope is that someday, there will be time to say yes more often.

Do you often have to say “no” to yourself? How do you do it?