As many of you know, my grandfather, Edwin Dannen, passed away a few weeks ago. Although he was 98, he was so healthy that his death was unexpected, and the shock waves of grief are still pummeling me.
In the aftermath of a death, I find it helps to assign yourself a specific action that honors the memory of the person you loved. Since my grandfather was Jewish, my mom recommended that we perform a week of mitzvahs.
I wasn’t raised Jewish, so I worry that I’m missing the deeper meaning here, but as far as I understand it, a mitzvah is a good or kind deed, a “conscious act of empathy or kindness” (PJ Library).
Just by happenstance, my family and I had already been exploring kindness and taking note of the kind deeds we experienced throughout the day (it was our monthly theme for September, based on the parenting books I read), so performing mitzvahs was a natural extension. We discussed our mitzvahs each night, and I think it allowed all of us some positive emotions during a difficult time.
When I got to the end of the week, I decided that seven days wasn’t enough to honor my grandfather’s memory. His role in my life warranted more. So I committed to a hundred days of mitzvahs, which will take me just past what would have been his 99th birthday.
What Makes it a Mitzvah?
I’m on day thirteen now. Some of my mitzvahs have been simple—texting a friend who was sick to check in on her, for example—and some have been more complex. I spend a lot of mental energy thinking about the difference between a mitzvah and an ordinary action that can be construed as kindness.
Here’s what I mean: I’m a mom, and a teacher. Both of those are caregiver roles. When I walk an instrument down to a student instead of calling his classroom to pick it up, is that a mitzvah, or is it just my job? When I spend an extra few minutes sitting with my son while he practices piano, is that a mitzvah, or just parenting? I’m not sure where the line is, but I suspect I’ll get closer to understanding it as the hundred days progress.
I’m grateful to my mother for this suggestion. It’s a way to keep my grandfather’s memory alive in a positive, life-affirming way. It’s a way to spread his legacy even further. It’s a balm to my soul as I grieve.