My word for 2020 is OPEN. If you’d asked me what that meant on January 1, I would have said it’s a state of mind that encourages me to notice and seize possibilities. OPEN prompts me to be prepared to act, and act boldly. It pushes me to take risks. On January 1, this felt like a fully positive thing.
But I’ve been living with OPEN for three weeks now, and I’m a bit wiser. I’ve learned that while being open does mean all of those things, it also has a dark side. Openness to opportunity also means openness to change; change can be scary. Openness to risk also means openness to failure; failure is hard to overcome.
In the past few weeks I’ve been open to new opportunities, and I’ve found them: a place to submit my work, a way to contribute to my music teaching community, a leadership conference offered to me. These were all easy to embrace. But this week, I had to push myself hard to be open to another change. This week, my literary agent and I parted ways after a four-year relationship. My novel now does not have agent representation.
In my gut, I feel that this will ultimately turn out to be a good thing. My agent was honest that she didn’t have an editorial vision for my book, and if she’d pushed herself to submit it anyway, that wouldn’t have worked out for either of us. A fresh perspective is likely just what the book needs. And I’m thankful that my agent, who has always been professional and respectful of my work, spoke up now instead of after we’d gone through the submission process. I will have a clean slate with a new agent.
I’m open to the possibility– no, I’m going to say it’s a probability— that this will be a positive shift. I will have to do some work to find a new agent, but it’s nothing I haven’t done before– and I know I’m a better writer now, with more credentials. My new agent could open me up to even more writing growth and success.
But I have to be honest– it still hurts a bit. It still feels like a failure, a step backwards. And that’s the complexity of being open. You have to accept it all, even when it feels scary or uncertain.
Leanne, I just discovered your blog through your writing at DIY MFA and I feel like I just found my new best friend! I hope that sounds friendly and not creepy. 🙂 I have to stop myself browsing through your blog posts and get to writing (which is the reason I sat down at my computer in the first place), but I just wanted to say that you are such an inspiration to me! So many of your interests coincide with my own — journaling, writing, self-reflection, Gretchen Rubin, Laura Vanderkam (I can’t wait to catch up on the podcast you were on!), exercise, sleep, healthy habits, parenting, music, and I love my day job too. I’ve been stuck in my writing life for a few years and I’m really appreciating the model you have here of persistence and tenacity and just putting yourself out there! Thanks for sharing your life with the world. ~ann
Ann, I am so glad you followed me here! I just checked out your website and I love all the smiling family faces (and I’ll be trolling through all your recipes too). Thank you so much for your lovely compliments– they absolutely made my day. I’m looking forward to connecting more. It sounds like we have a ton in common!
I’m not surprised that you’ve found the more difficult aspect of open. You always come across as being honest and forthright, with some depth to your thinking and actions, so you would not shy away from the more challenging aspects of your word. (One year I chose brave as a word of the year, and whew…) I hope you find just the right representation, and that fantastic things keep coming your way while you’re so open to them!
Thank you, Kathy! It is hard to be open, but pairing it with my usual optimism helps 🙂