I didn’t blog at all in August. I’ve been working hard on my fiction, but I haven’t written about my own life since my birthday in July. Blogging is something I do to help me process the world and my feelings, and I haven’t felt capable of doing that. The world is too complicated. My feelings are too complicated. Nothing is unequivocal in this moment; everything is connected with its opposite extreme.
I’m worrying about the future, and I’m striving to live in the present.
I’m grateful for my privileges, and I feel guilty about the system that granted them to me.
I want more for myself, and I want more for others.
I’m stressed about my job, and I feel more passion for it than ever.
I’m craving travel/adventure, and I’m anxious about leaving my house.
I love my family and friends, and I’m terrified of my loved ones getting sick.
I often feel pressure from headlines and social media to simplify my beliefs and feelings into a single thought. But my thoughts are never singular. They are complex. That’s what it means to live an open-minded, open-hearted life; when you can’t exclude ideas or people, your own thoughts and emotions become more complicated.
It makes it harder to process, and much harder to write about. And I’d like to say I wouldn’t want it any other way. But even that is too simple to say! I sometimes wish I didn’t feel capable of holding so many thoughts and feelings inside me. Life would probably be happier if I stubbornly clung to one point of view. But I also know that’s not the path for me.
If this entire blog post is confusing to you, I completely understand. It’s confusing to me, too. I hoped, though, that there might be someone reading this post who feels the same way– that life often feels too big, too extreme, to put into words right now.
Photo credit: Simon Matzinger
Still, I’m going to do my best to make sense of things so I can keep on blogging. Another reason I haven’t posted much is a positive one: I’m almost done with my revision of The Eugenicist’s Assistant! I’ve been working on it nearly every day since August 1, and I only have 4 chapters left. Once that’s done, I’m excited to return to all my nonfiction work, including blogging, essay-writing, and flash memoir. (If you’re a Joyful Creative subscriber, expect a new email next week.)
Things are complicated, and I’m still trying to make sense of them.
I love this, Leanne–I definitely feel the same way. My emotions are so complicated, and I don’t feel like I have anything to share with others on my blog! I’m getting so frustrated with either/or thinking and the extremism as well as the “sound bite” nature of news. There’s no depth or nuance, or admitting that the causes of all our problems are complicated and involve decades and multiple people, etc.
Instead of writing, I’ve been slowly purging my office and some of the rest of the house of excess of all kinds. My goal is to make things simpler and lighter, so that I’m able to concentrate better and possibly even feel more joyful. August is typically a low-energy month for me, and the fall (such as it is in Florida) usually perks me up.
Congratulations on the progress on your book! That’s awesome. Best of luck with the start of the school year, too!
Also, I’m completely behind on reading your posts and newsletters, so will be catching up on those in the next couple of weeks.
Hi Kathy, I like that you’re simplifying elsewhere so that you can clear mental space for something more complex. That’s a technique I hadn’t thought of. I’m definitely struggling against the tide of “make it simple, make a soundbite.”
I love listening to the Pantsuit Politics podcast, in part because of their tagline: “Keep it nuanced, y’all!” It’s a great mantra.