Have you heard of the “4 Burners” theory of work/life balance?

To quote this post by James Clear (who is quoting Chris Guillebeau, who quotes David Sedaris, all respected writers and thinkers):

“Imagine that your life is represented by a stove with four burners on it. Each burner symbolizes one major quadrant of your life.

1. The first burner represents your family.
2. The second burner is your friends.
3. The third burner is your health.
4. The fourth burner is your work.

The Four Burners Theory says that “in order to be successful you have to cut off one of your burners. And in order to be really successful you have to cut off two.”  

I think this is complete and utter bullsh*t. 

We Have To Stop Oversimplifying Work/Life Balance

Work/life balance is complicated. It’s supposed to be complicated. Trying to fit it neatly into quadrants is like simplifying the human body into “Head, shoulders, knees and toes.” (Even preschoolers know there are more body parts than the ones in the song.)

Let’s start with the most basic question: what falls under each category?

You might think that some things are obvious. A meeting with work colleagues is obviously work… isn’t it? But what if that meeting takes place over a drink, and you get into a cathartic venting session, and afterward you end up going to dinner with your colleagues? Does that initial meeting fall under the “work” burner or the “friends” burner?

And what about taking a work trip that will make you extra cash, which you then use for taking your family on a special bonding weekend away? Was that trip in the service of work, or family?

On the flip side, let’s say you enroll in a weekly yoga class. You might categorize that as health-related, or possibly friend-related, if you go with a friend. Is it such a stretch (no pun intended) that yoga might also contribute to your work or family life, if it gives you the energy you need to fulfill those obligations? There has been much written in the past few years about the importance of breaks for mental health. You can’t carry the busy load of family and work life if you’re burnt out. If I were using the “4 Burners” theory, I’d put “Sleep” in every category, because I couldn’t do any of those things without sleep.

“Okay, Leanne, we get it,” you might be thinking right about now. “You don’t think the categories make sense, because there are way too many blurred lines. We understand that work/life balance is way more complicated than burners on a stove. But what about the point of this theory, which is that we can’t put our energies into all our buckets at once if we want to life a life of greatness in one or two areas?

I’m still calling bullsh*t.

We All Burn Differently

This theory is based on the faulty assumption that all people have equal ability and desire to achieve in all categories. We all start with certain natural talents, as well as differences in background and education. Some people are going to find it easy to make and retain friendships. Other people might have to put more time and effort into it. Some find parenting natural; others find it painful. Some people love their jobs and find it easy to put time and energy into them. Other people are just trying to get through the day. And as for health, we can do our best to focus on it, but even athletes who treat their bodies like temples get cancer out of the blue.

We all have different needs. What’s good for you might not be good for me. It’s a mistake to democratize work/life balance.

Life Is Not A Stove

This “4 Burners Theory” is just another way of people telling me and you that we can’t do what we want with our lives. It’s another way of shaming parents for having a fulfilling work life, or even wanting to work instead of staying home with the kids. It’s another way of discouraging employees from having flexible schedules. “4 Burners” says you can’t have it all, so don’t even try. 

I am a parent of two young kids, and I’m doing my best as their mother. I spend quality time with them every single day. I read to them, sing with them, hug and kiss them constantly. I make sure they’re well-fed, happy and active, and I nurture their growing personalities while challenging them to be good citizens. Sometimes I wish that we had more free time together, but I’m committed to making the most of the time we have. I’m not “wishing away” the years when they’re more high-maintenance, because I know I’ll have happy memories of these years someday.

I also work a full-time job that involves actively engaging with students for several hours a day, living completely in the creativity of the moment. I love teaching my students, and my full band program can attest to the fact that I’m doing a good job.

I am a writer. Writing is extra work, but it’s also something I need to do for health. If I don’t write, I can’t process the world. My mental agility flags. I’m less in touch with my body and my emotions. Producing writing is as much need as it is desire. I wish I had more time for writing, but I find enough pockets of daily time to allow me to keep my projects steadily growing. I won’t regret spending time writing. I might regret spending time watching TV. 

I have a post-cancer body. It needs a lot of sleep and can’t handle many carbs. It needs daily exercise. It needs meditation and mental space. If I neglect those things, everything else in my life suffers.

I am a daughter. I am a friend. I spend quality time with loved ones several times a week. I have regular phone dates. I remember people’s birthdays and send them funny GIFs. I keep in touch with other writers online, and read their blogs.

My “4 Burners” are all glowing. None of them are on simmer.

James Clear makes some good points in his post, one of which is the ‘seasonal’ aspect to the 4 Burners. You can let one burner go for awhile with the knowledge that you can pick it up again later. This may work for some, but it doesn’t for me. I’d rather do something for less daily time, keeping the fire stoked, than let the flame go out completely. 

If you love to run, but life has gotten busy, run in short bursts. 

If you love to sew, but you can’t do it year-round, pick a season of the year to do a single sewing project.

If you love anything, you’ll find the time. It might not be as much time as you want, but it’ll be enough to keep your fire burning. 

Don’t let anyone– not a theory, not a person, not some psychobabble– tell you that you can’t live a rich, full life.

Life is a tapestry, not a stove.