I had planned to write a post today about the death of George Floyd, Black Lives Matter, and the crackdown on protestors this past weekend. In my usual way, I had hoped to find perspective through my own writing, give my readers hope, and prompt action. But I woke up this morning, and I didn’t feel ready. I’m still experiencing grief. And I can’t think, write, or give hope to anyone through the numbness of grief.

Not enough is written about grief in the public sphere. After a major catastrophe, we’re expected to immediately come out with a statement, join a side, and start taking action. And for some, those actions are part of how they process grief. But for others– like me, I guess– some time apart is needed first. We need to wrestle with our own feelings before jumping into the public well of emotion.

Personal grief is a necessary step toward the ultimate goal of taking social justice action. For me, grief looks like this:

Denial: “I’m not sad about the state of the world. I’m ignoring the state of the world.”

Anger: “Why is there so much evil in the world? Why do I have to live in a world where such horrible things happen? %*&%*?!*%&$%^?!”

Bargaining: “If I can just stay in the bubble of my family life, I don’t have to think about it.”

Depression: “Here comes the sadness. I’ll give into the numbness with chocolate, comfort TV and extra sleep.”

Acceptance: “I will find a small action that is manageable and uses my personal strengths to make a difference in the world. I will take this action despite knowing that it will only be a pebble thrown against a fortress, because I also know that if everyone throws a pebble, the fortress must begin to crumble.”

I spent part of yesterday afternoon on the couch re-watching How I Met Your Mother and eating chocolate ice cream with M&Ms. So I might be ready for Acceptance soon. And when I am, I’ll let you know what action I’m prompted to take.

How do you deal with public grief? I would welcome any advice.