I’ve been struggling to decide where I stand on the question of limits on screen time– not for myself, but for my kids. Although I know many people feel over-connected to their phones, that’s never been a problem for me. I keep my phone in my purse both at home and at work, and only take it out when I’m using it; I hate carrying it around with me, and deliberately will not answer texts or emails if they come in when I’m busy. I long ago turned off email alerts, and recently deleted my Facebook app (I still use it, but only on my laptop, which cuts down my usage considerably). I like my phone, but I want it to know that I’m in charge, and I’m not going to let any of its addictive qualities (alerting me to its presence all the time, or enticing me with addictive games) take over my life!

It’s been somewhat harder to decide how I feel about my kids’ screen time. My son is five and has a Kindle Fire that we bought him last summer to occupy him on long car trips. He also has a few games that he likes to play on my iPad, and a few TV shows that he likes to watch. Since the beginning, I’ve been struggling with how much screen time is enough, and how much is too much. Some days he doesn’t have time for any at all, but other days (such as snow days, quiet weekend days) it seems to add up.

There are warnings everywhere about exposing kids to too many screens. Psychologists say that it will make kids withdrawn and unable to form true social connections. Neurologists say that it leads to the deterioration of certain parts of the brain, such as the center for creativity. Moms compete over how little screen time they allow: “Just an hour a day.” “Just thirty minutes a day.” “No time at all.” “If we’re in the doctor’s office and there are cartoons on in the waiting room I SHIELD HIS PRECIOUS EYES!” (Just kidding on that last one. I think.)

But sticking to a set number of minutes per day oversimplifies the issue. What are the kids doing with those minutes? Are they watching educational television? Are they using an app that works on reading or math? Does the game they’re playing use advanced problem solving techniques? And what about the screens that they’re using at school? A large number of classrooms are equipped with SmartBoards, and kids are issued everything from tablets to ChromeBooks. How can we claim that screen technology is good at school but bad at home?

Additionally, by treating screens as a limited resource, we are making them even more valuable to kids. I watched hardly any television as a kid; we simply didn’t have it in my house. (This was just prior to the smartphone era.) So when I got to college and could watch all the TV I wanted, I overdid it. I hadn’t learned how to moderate. If I make my kids feel deprived of screen time, might they binge on it later on?

I believe in limits. I want to have an enforceable policy on screen time. But until now, I didn’t know how I felt about it, so I didn’t know what that policy should be. The answer finally came to me yesterday, and I now know what I want for my kids. It’s based on two simple questions:

Does this help my child connect with the world in a positive way?

If the answer is yes, then it’s high-quality screen time. This would include FaceTime with a family member, anything that helps him learn something applicable to school or at home, or social media that helps him connect in a positive (non-bullying) way with his friends. (I still have several years left before that last one comes up for my kids, thankfully.)

If the answer is no, the follow-up question is:

Does this help my child disconnect as a way to relieve stress or take a break?

If the answer is yes, then it should be allowed for a short while. There’s nothing inherently wrong with mindless games or Netflix. Disconnecting is important sometimes. It’s a problem, though, if it becomes a mindless habit instead of a mindful distraction.

If the answer to both questions is no, then screen time should be discouraged.

Moving forward, I’m going to apply these two questions whenever my son asks me for his tablet or to watch a TV show. I’m hoping they’ll help me make better decisions in the moment, and to stop keeping track of his screen minutes in my head. I want to make it about the quality, not the quantity. The quantity is going to fluctuate based on the day. It’s the quality that shows whether my kid is doing something meaningful with his time (or, at the very least, intentionally meaningless).

What are your screen time strategies? I’d love to hear from other parents!