Yesterday, I read a blog post that made me really, really mad. It was composed as a letter to couples who are considering having a baby, and consisted of a long list of things they should do now, before the baby comes. I like this idea, in theory- it’s similar to a “cradle list,” a pre-baby bucket list. But the author took the list in an entirely negative direction. In summary (not direct quotes), the post proclaimed:

“Make sure you sleep, because once you have the baby, you’ll never feel rested again.”

“Go to nice restaurants now, because afterward, you’ll only be able to go to places with crayons on the table.”

“Take a trip somewhere adult-centered, because you’re going to hate Sesame Place.”

And my favorite- “Admire your body now, because the baby will destroy it.”

Sadly, this blog post does not stand alone in the world of pre-parent bashing. When I was pregnant, all of these things were said to me; I wrote a post about it at the time: What No Pregnancy Book Tells You.  It infuriates me that people who don’t yet have children, but want them, are being bullied in this way. Yes, parenting is hard. Yes, there are things that you will look back on and wish you’d appreciated more. But there are no absolutes. Will it be harder to get enough sleep? At first, possibly. But even if you have an extremely sleep-challenged baby like I did, it is possible to teach him, and eventually you will feel well-rested once again. Will you sometimes go to kid-friendly restaurants? Yes, of course, and you’ll appreciate having a chance to eat out among similar families. But it’s absurd to say you’ll never eat out in a nice restaurant again. Call a babysitter! Vacations? Sure, you might be going to Sesame Place instead of Napa Valley, but you’re still going to enjoy it, because it’s fun to watch your child having fun. And as for babies ruining your body… well, I could write a whole post about how wrong that is. Having a baby consecrates your body, not destroys it. I don’t know about other mothers, but I’ve never felt more beautiful in my life.

More to the point, whether these things are true or not, why are we saying them to couples who want children? Why aren’t we telling them what they have to look forward to, instead of what they have to dread? This negative rhetoric actually contributed to my fears about having children a few years ago. I couldn’t understand why people would want to give their lives over to something that kept them from ever sleeping, reading books, or eating a nice dinner. I actually believed all of those things, because they were so often repeated. There needs to be a positive voice out there, encouraging couples who are pregnant or trying to conceive, because they’re about to embark on the most wonderfully scary, brave thing they’ve ever done in their lives, and they need our support.

So here’s my small contribution to that positive voice.

Dear couples who want children,

First of all, congratulations. Deciding that you want to have a child is an incredible step. It means that you feel you have love to give to a brand-new being, someone you don’t yet even know.

You are in for the journey of a lifetime. I’m sure you’ve heard all of the “tough love” out there- all those warnings about sleep and poop and tears. All of those things have an element of truth. But here’s the thing they don’t tell you…

You’re going to change.

Whether it comes in five minutes or five months, you’re going to fall in love with your child, and you’re going to love more deeply than you ever thought possible. You are going to become not only a guardian, but a servant to your child. This sounds like a negative thing, but it’s not. It means that every disgusting task, every sleepless night, will become easier to do, because you’re doing it for the person you love most in the whole world. You will learn what it means to truly love unconditionally. It’s not a lofty, idealistic love. It’s a down-and-dirty love. It takes the sting out of waking up in the middle of the night, or cleaning spit-up off your favorite shirt. All of the things you do, you do for the love of your child. And that makes it all easier to bear.

You may still have moments of anger and frustration, and you may sometimes wish you’d appreciated your pre-child life more. But when all is said and done, you’ll never, ever want to go back. Because you’ve changed. You’ve grown. You’ve learned. You’ve become.

The miracle of life isn’t just a baby. It’s also the birth of you as a parent. It’s the birth of unconditional love.

You’re so fortunate to have all of that ahead of you.

Godspeed, and good luck. We’re all waiting for you on the other side with smiles, hugs and understanding.

Sincerely,

A mother