I need a union, because man, my new full-time parenting job is hard!

I mean, okay, it has some perks. For one, my Boss is really, really cute. Stare at him for hours, that kind of cute. And there’s something to be said for working for a family member. I can work from home and I don’t have to get out of my pajamas. (Translation: never have time to.)

But my Boss is so demanding!

Get help from the union, you say? I wish there was one. I could start one, I guess. United Mothers Against Demanding Newborns (UMADN).

What would our aims be? Well, first of all, better hours. This 24/7 thing is a bit much. And not allowing for regular sleep time? Two hours at a time, three if I’m lucky and the Boss isn’t being fussy. There’s not even a lunch hour. Sometimes I have to eat lunch with the Boss yelling in my ear. Sometimes I can’t eat at all because the Boss needs constant handling. If we had a union, I’d make sure they got us a more predictable schedule.

Better pay would be nice, too. Or any pay at all. If you think about it, I’m actually getting negative pay, because I can’t work at my regular job. I’m LOSING money on this job!

I’d also lobby for better communication from the Boss. Interpreting his nonverbal cues isn’t easy. No, I didn’t get the memo that he didn’t like his new bouncy seat. All I heard was loud noises coming from his mouth. Yes, if we had a union, I’d push to make the official language of Mother-Newborn be English. Or whatever language the mother speaks. Heck, I’d settle for sign language and just take a class. There are no classes in Newborn-ese. I’ve checked.

What else? It would be nice to have an assistant. Someone to take care of the household chores while I cater to the Boss’s every need. It’s hard to do the laundry and the vacuuming when the Boss is demanding to be fed.

And I would ask for better training for new employees. It’s too late for me now, but I’m thinking about all the new UMADN members. They’re joining up in droves, and they have no idea what they’re getting into. We need something other than on-the-job training. Where’s the HR department in all this?

Plus, most of us are coming into this partially handicapped! We just gave birth, for heaven’s sake. We’re all sore and exhausted and some of us even got stitches. Shouldn’t we get some sort of compensation or help for that? I mean, the doctors told us not to lift anything heavy. Do they know how heavy the Boss’s car seat is?

Yes, a union would be nice. I really should start one. Mothers, sign up today! I’ll create lists of our goals, and start drawing up a contract between us and the Bosses. I’ll find a place for us to meet and…

Wait. That sounds like a lot of work.

I think I’ll just take a nap.