My good friend/cousin recently had a baby. Soon afterward, Edwin and I went to visit her and the baby at their house. Edwin has been there before, but not often. As soon as we got in the door, he was glued to my side. He huddled next to me, sucking on his pacifier, and barely said a word the entire time. A couple of weeks later, my cousin brought the baby over to our house to visit. Edwin couldn’t have been more different. He said hello to the baby, played with his toys, showed them that he knew his colors and letters, and was generally charming and fun. What was the difference? We were with the exact same people… but we weren’t in the same place. In our house, Edwin’s house, he felt safe. So even if someone a little less familiar walked in, he still felt in control of his environment, and could be himself. In someone else’s space, on the other hand, he felt nervous, insecure, maybe even afraid.

And it occurred to me… I’m EXACTLY the same way. 

I dislike going to new places. It makes me extra anxious, off my game, unprepared. If I have to talk to strangers in a new place, forget it. But if I’m in a familiar place, I’m much more able to be myself. Case in point: I used to work as a fitness trainer in my gym. I spent so much time there, in one area of the fitness floor, that I became extremely comfortable interacting with new clients and making small talk with everyone who passed by. (You might have even mistaken me for an extravert.) If I had to go to different clubs, parks or houses to do fitness training, I would have felt a lot less comfortable.

I actually think this discomfort has affected my teaching job somewhat. I work in two different school buildings, and generally stay within one area in each building. I’ve never felt entirely comfortable in either school as a whole. Now that I’ve realized the reason for this, I can take a small step to fix the problem. When I go back to work in the fall, I’m going to take walks around each building until they both start to feel more like home. (This will also fit well with my goal to get a short burst of exercise in the middle of each work day to ward off afternoon energy lag.) I think this will help me feel more involved in each school, even though I’m not there every day.

This realization is also helping me figure out Edwin’s daycare transition. I know he’ll need plenty of time in the new space, with the security of his parents, before we start to leave him alone there. That wouldn’t work well for every child, but it’s the right choice for Edwin to feel safe and able to be himself away from home.

What are your child’s fears? Are they also, in a different context, your own fears? How is thinking about fears helpful? 

I’ll be on vacation next week, so stay tuned for new posts starting July 21st!