I have noticed something about marriage: the people who are happily married, and therefore have the most to share about the joys of marriage, don’t generally talk about it. As Americans, it’s more culturally acceptable to complain about a social institution (such as parenting or families) than to appreciate it. (We Americans are good at questioning authority, and institutions are generally a good place to start.)

So although it’s against the norm, I’m going to make a confession:

I’m happily married.

There’s only one reason for this, and it’s based completely on luck, chemistry and a little extra self-knowledge: I married the right man. It’s easy to simply marry someone you love. But I was lucky enough to find someone I was also compatible with, and whose compatibility has only increased over the years. I love Nick, but that’s only part of a good marriage: he also knows how to make me happy, and (I think) I know how to make him happy. We laugh at the same things, share a few things in common but also value our independence, and support each other without completely relying on each other. It’s easy to imagine growing old with him, knowing he’ll make me smile through our golden years.

Like I said, I’m lucky. Sometimes marriages don’t have all of those components, and then, when the couple tries to hang on despite their incompatibility, the marriage becomes unhappy. It’s odd, but I feel like I am more sympathetic to divorce now that I’m happily married; even being happily married is hard work, and I can see how it could become all but impossible with the wrong person.

From my perspective, here are some beautiful things about a good marriage: 

1. You don’t need to communicate all the time… When you’ve been together for a long time, you don’t always have to ask the other person what they’re thinking; you just know. For example, when my dad and I were getting takeout for lunch, and he said, “Should we get some extra mac-and-cheese for Nick to have for dinner later?” I didn’t need to text Nick to know that the answer would be YES.

2. … but you want to. After the above mac-and-cheese buying, I texted Nick to tell him I got a special surprise for his dinner. I could have waited until he got home, I suppose, but we both agree that anticipation is half the fun, so I wanted to give him a few extra hours of anticipatory happiness. He appreciated this.

3. Shared responsibility. I’ve written before about the ways husbands and wives divide up their memories and household work. It’s funny, I recently came across some notebooks we wrote in during our pre-cana weekend, and it looks like Nick’s biggest fear was being nagged about household chores, and mine was about having to nag him. We both had a laugh about that. I think since our marriage we’ve found a good rhythm, a balance of who-does-what, but we also have flexibility- we sometimes help each other out when the other is particularly busy. It’s always appreciated, and we don’t keep score.

4. Taking turns being the Eeyore. In Happier at Home, I loved Gretchen Rubin’s reference about people being the “Eeyore”- moody, grumpy, resistant to cheering up- or the “Tigger”- not giving up until the other person is cheered. I’m not sure how it happens, but I think in a balanced marriage, the couple tends to allow only one person at a time to be “Eeyore.” If I’m grumpy, Nick is happy, and vice versa. It helps that we’re each grumped out by completely different things, and can anticipate the situations that cause Eeyore behavior in the other.

5. Growth, and someone to notice your growth. Nick and I dated all through our twenties, through college, grad school, first jobs, medical crises, and more. We’ve changed a lot since we met, but we’re changed together, fortunately. It’s nice to be with someone who knows where you came from and how you got to be who you are now. (A close friend can fill this role too- Laura also does this for me.)

6. You don’t need each other more than you want each other. I don’t think I’ve ever told Nick this, but I knew he was the man for me when I went away to live in England for 7 weeks the first summer we were together. While I enjoyed my time there, I missed him so much it felt like a physical pain. I’d been away from boyfriends in the past, and they usually sort of drifted out of my mind after awhile in a new place. (In one case, that was how I knew I needed to break up with the guy.) I know that, if I had to, I could live without Nick. I did live without him for two years while he was in grad school in Michigan, and I was teaching in New York, and we did pretty well with the long-distance thing. But when we’re together, I’m just happier, and I feel more myself.

7. Shared jokes. We don’t find all of the same things funny- he doesn’t quite get my Harry Potter jokes, and I don’t understand the humor in his Opie and Anthony radio show- but there are enough things to choose from in our shared joke history that there’s almost always potential for a laugh. Quotes from The Office, Anchorman, Office Space, Parks and Rec, as well as funny things that have happened in real life- they’re always at the tips of our tongues, ready to share.

What do you find beautiful about marriage?

I am writing this post because Friday, May 23rd is our 5th wedding anniversary (after 7+ years of dating). Happy Anniversary, Nick!