As I contemplate the fresh opportunity of 2019, I thought it would be helpful to look back on 2018 and consider what worked, what didn’t, the highs and lows. I’d like to share a few of each with you today. There are some big things (like dealing with anxiety) and some smaller things (like finding the best water bottle). This review gave me a deeper perspective on my year; it can do the same for you. Grab a notepad and find out!

What worked for me in 2018

• The morning routine. As my daughter grew more independent, the morning routine got easier. There’s actually space to breathe in between getting breakfast on the table and rushing out the door. What also helped: setting out the lunch boxes, with everything un-perishable inside, the night before.
• Listening to podcasts. I got much joy from The Dream, The West Wing Weekly, Revisionist History, and By The Book.
• Finding a new yoga studio. I adore Hudson Valley Healing Center‘s yoga space, their incredible instructors, and the salt cave!
• Planning every day, one day at a time. I’ve always mapped out my to-do lists and habit goals once a week. This year I started making rough schedules for meeting all of those demands every day. Sometimes I wouldn’t stick to the schedule, but it always made me calmer to know that I could fit it all in.
• Going to my old therapist once a month over the summer and early fall.
• Developing my kids’ home library to include more diverse books.
• Simple Modern water bottles. (Everyone in the family has at least one now. I have two, plus a thermos. Hands down the best water bottle you’ll ever find. Get the flip spout lid!)
• Having a phone date to call my sister in California once a week.
• The Curated Closet + Stitch Fix helped me streamline my wardrobe so that everything I wear is just my style.

Things that continued to be very valuable to my life and sanity, carried over from previous years:

• My in-laws and parents, who babysit and help out constantly, and are also great company
• Our daycare (the best around, and it’s literally right up our street)
• My husband’s cooking
• Book recommendations from Modern Mrs. Darcy
• Walks on the rail trail

What didn’t work for me in 2018

• Social media. I retreated from Facebook (except, for the most part, my weekly “What I read this week” post) and Twitter. I found both overwhelming.
• Dealing with grief. It took me months to figure out that I was in a mild depression brought on by the terror of my daughter’s kidney surgery early in the year, fears over her developmental delays, and the loss of her babyhood. (What helped: journaling, meditation, yoga, and the aforementioned therapy visits.)
• My writing life, up through the summer. After a disappointing setback over my second novel, I got writer’s block and struggled for about six months. (The good news– I overcame it, got back into the groove and successfully completed a full draft of my best novel to date!)
• Balancing work and home. Some weeks, it all seemed to go smoothly. Other weeks, I was frustrated to the point of tears. Being a working mother is hard. Being a working mother with two young kids is harder. Doing all that and embracing the writing life is the hardest. But I won’t– I can’t– give up a thing. The struggle is worth it.
• Anxiety. Way too much of it. Balancing my thyroid medication was partly to blame.
• Not finding a spiritual connection, other than during meditation or in the yoga studio.
• Everything going on in the world; the news in general; feeling paralyzed as my personal hopes for the country and the world all turned backward.

The worst times

• My daughter’s surgery. The very lowest point of my year was on the fourth night in the hospital. I was trying to sleep on the bed they provided for in-room parents, which was basically a shelf with a thin blanket. The nurse came to wake us up for the third time in four hours. After she left, I broke down with exhaustion, fear and misery. I threw pillows. I screamed silently. I wept loudly (in the bathroom, so my daughter wouldn’t hear). I curled into a ball on the floor. I don’t think I’ve ever fallen apart like that, and for someone who prides herself on being strong, losing it is pretty much the worst thing that can happen.
• Miles’s death in August. We still miss him so much. He was the best cat.
• My grandmother’s funeral in June. Even though it was long-expected, it was still sad.
• Wanting to write, and having nothing good come of it. Struggling against myself until I realized that my mental health had taken down my writing.

The best times

• My kids, my kids, my kids. They are incredible. They’re both sweet and funny, balls of love. They both love music and reading. They bring me so much joy.
• Family vacation to Ogunquit, Maine, my favorite place on Earth. (That I’ve found, so far.)
• Seeing old friends at the Writer’s Digest conference.
• My daughter’s amazing developmental leaps. She didn’t walk until 22 months, but now she’s running! She’s almost completely caught up with her age group. I’m so proud of her. She’s also a great talker, and a voracious eater.
• Going to see Paul Simon in concert with my husband and in-laws in September.
• Christmas morning. Everyone got big, happy presents and there was a lot of excitement.
• Planning a surprise 10th anniversary trip for my husband and me to Jamaica in April 2019!
• Finishing my novel draft. That was a hugely satisfying feeling, especially after how hard it was to get going on it earlier in the year.

When people ask me how 2018 was for me, I don’t know if I can give a short answer. It was a hard year, but there was joy. It was a struggle, but there were rewards. There was death, but there was also the intensity of life. How do you describe a year like that? It was complex, I suppose. Like life is in general.

The real question is if I grew this year as a person, and I think the answer to that is unequivocally yes. I faced up to my problems, and I figured out solutions. I did the hard internal work that was needed to lift me out of depression. I made a lot of mistakes, but I didn’t give up. I’d call that growth.

How was your 2018?

In the next post, a look ahead to 2019, and what the fresh start will do for me and my writing life.