I’ve been in a bit of a funk for a few days, and it took me awhile to figure out why– but when it finally crystalized, everything made sense. My daughter’s third birthday was last Monday. After I thought about it, I remembered that I went through the same funk after she turned one, and after she turned two. It’s the time of year that I struggle with how temporary everything is, how joy is fleeting.

I don’t go through this as much with my older child, but Eleanor is my youngest and last. Every one of her birthdays is a reminder of doors closing. No more baby clothes, breastfeeding, or wearing her swaddled against my chest. Now she’s a happy, strong-willed, running/dancing/climbing toddler with her own personality. I love this age just as much as I’ve loved the previous ages, but I’m still feeling the loss of babyhood.

There’s joy in the celebration of life’s milestones, but there’s also a little grief mixed in. She will never turn three again. All the parenting joy that I experience with her, and with my son, is temporary. That makes it all the more meaningful– almost too meaningful, as though I can’t quite bear the weight of all that sweet sadness.

I’m trying to work through this by noticing the beauty in temporary joy. Surprisingly, the most helpful thing has been an impulse buy I made a few weeks ago. It’s called a Buddha Board. It’s a small gray screen accompanied by a sharp-tipped brush, and the idea is to dip the brush in water, paint a picture on the board using thick and thin brush strokes, and then watch it disappear as the water dries. My whole family is oddly fascinated by this creative exercise. It’s the perfect visual of what I’ve been feeling.

It really does remind you of the transcendence of transience.

On a side note, even though it hasn’t been very long, I’ve really missed blogging. That week earlier in October when I blogged every day was one of the best weeks I’ve had in awhile. Knowing that I was going to reconnect with creativity at the end of the day was deeply satisfying, and reflecting on my day as I was living it made me feel as though I was living it twice. I can’t commit to an extended period of daily blogging right now, but I’ve learned that it makes me happy.

And on another note, welcome to members of The Shu Box community! Sarah Hart-Unger kindly linked to my post Two Versions of a Perfect Day in her weekly round-up, and I noted an audience bump immediately afterward. (In case you were wondering about the connection, I was a guest on Sarah and Laura Vanderkam’s Best of Both Worlds podcast– episode 25. Give it a listen!) I hope some of you will stay, comment, and add to the community here. I promise there’s more blogging goodness to come.